New Moon in 15 Minutes: Sparkle OUT
December 6, 2009 § 1 Comment
In case you missed the movie in the theater, I found a 15 minute synopsis of New Moon on this blog. Here are a few hilarious excerpts:
The Rainforest in Bella’s Backyard
EDWARD: So we’re all leaving town and I don’t want you to come.
BELLA: Edward, you haven’t wanted me to come for six months now. This is not new.
EDWARD: Bella, I am too dangerous for you. If I stay in these movies, there will constantly be some threat to you. I must leave you, because I love you.
BELLA: WTF EDWARD NO
EDWARD: Bella, let me mansplain this to you, since a frail helpless female would never understand what’s best for her: I am BAD FOR YOU and I have NO SOUL and I am not willing to take yours and sometimes I feel really funny when you kiss me and I think this is bad for my virginity and you are going to GET DEAD if we stay together. Just promise me to stay not-dead after I leave and we’ll call it even.
BELLA: WTF NO NO NO YOU CAN’T NO
EDWARD: Okay, LOOK. I am SICK OF YOU and your whining and your clinging and and your endless codependency and these SHITTY, SHITTY MOVIES, OKAY? I am SICK of this endless slo-mo and this magenta lipstick bullshit. I AM A GROWN MAN, NOT A POWDERED DONUT, AND THESE CONTACTS HURT, OKAY? I AM DONE WITH THIS.
EDWARD: SPARKLE OUT.
EDWARD: *VAMPIRE HAND*
[Bella then curls up in the woods to die, too shellshocked even to notice that Some Ripped Quileute Guy carries her home. She remains catatonic in her room while OCTOBER, NOVEMBER, and DECEMBER drift past her window.]
Casa de Swan… After Dark
JACOB: Bella! Can I climb into your room, even though I’m mostly naked and it’s late at night?
BELLA: Wait–I don’t–you’re asking first?
JACOB: What? Of course! What kind of creep would just show up in a girl’s bedroom?
BELLA: Jake, no! I haven’t opened the window yet!
JACOB: Don’t worry! My nipples can cut glass!
[So Jacob parkours up the tree on into Bella’s room in his unshirtedness, with his Marky Mark undawears hanging out.]
JACOB: Remember the story I told you in the first movie?
The Beach, La Push Reservation
BELLA: Wait, what?
JACOB: Yeah, there’s all these bullshit stories about how my people were descended from wolves and the Cullens were descended from themselves and my miniskirted ancestors made a truce with the Cold Ones back in the days of old or the ’30s or something. And they can never, ever come to our beach, so there.
JACOB: I really, really need you to remember–MY EYES ARE UP HERE, BELLA.
BELLA: Mmm. Story?
JACOB: The story about the–STOP PETTING MY ABS.
BELLA: Oh, you mean the story about how Edward was actually a sexy dangerous vampire the whole time and I didn’t know it?